Humour: Internet Affection Overkill

I'm a paradox, being a happy grouch, a humerous nitpicker or a mirthful grump. Sooner or later it had to happen. I'm finally venting my pent up feelings at the strange and incomprehensible (to me) over-abundance of internet sweetness.

Don't get me wrong I like and admire loving and affectionate people, and I've even been known to grow close to and care for virtual land friends, but I'm at an utter loss to understand the use of terms such as 'sweety' and 'darling' to utter strangers, whom people haven't met and aren't likely to.

Perhaps this stems from my roots in the north of England, where if you said 'sweety' to a stranger you'd be severely thrashed and thrown in the nearest canal. Or if you said it to a woodentop (policeman) you'd be severely beaten and thrown in a police van, or meat wagon as they're sometimes referred to. That's probably because after the beatings people often resemble raw meat. God bless English bobbies!

I can't completely explain why I feel this way though, after all being lovey dovey's not the most serious crime I can think of. Yet I come down with unbearable physical symptoms if someone calls me dearest in a chat room. My toes curl up, I get shocking chills down my spine and I sometimes vomit uncontrollably.

I'm sure that it must be more of a reflection on me than on the people being nice. Maybe I have undiagnosed, serious psychiatric problems and I should get counselling right away. Nevertheless I'm sure that I'm not alone in this.

Many other British people probably feel the same. We're generally not brought up to show too much affection, even towards our brothers and sisters, let alone total strangers! The French kiss each other three times on the cheeks as a form of greeting and us Brits have despised them for years for it.

The nicest we usually get towards each other is punching one another on the arm with an embarassed grin. Of course I'm not speaking for all Brits; some might venture as far as shaking hands. And men get extraordinarily mushy with each other at football games. I've never seen so much smooching and kissing!

Coming back to analysing the way I feel as I do. If someone, however sincerely, calls me sweetheart or babe I feel patronised to the extent that I can feel my inards shake like a pneumatic drill. I must be subconsciously feeling 'How dare you look down on me!' even though they're probably not at all.

On the other hand call me an idiot, an intelligent thick person or a lunatic and I'll laugh and agree with you. I wonder why I can take a well meaning insult with good humour and grace, but I turn into a snarling cat if someone's sugary sweet?

Perhaps I'll never get to the bottom of it. On the other hand maybe I won't have to because hopefully writing this has been good therapy. I would ask that you're not too sweet towards me though, just in case it hasn't helped and I smash my computer!. I need that later when I'll probably be grumbling about something else.